Why My Teens Have Phones

I couldn't help but write for just a minute about the horrific tragedy in Uvalde, TX. I'm a Texan at heart, mostly because I have a long family history there, dating to the mid 1800s. Some of my favorite places on earth are a quick drive from Uvalde. I'm sure most people have never heard of the place, which makes it both special and (so we thought) safe. I don't know about you, but given everything going on currently, it's starting to feel like my kids are never going to be truly safe...

When I channel my objective side (which doesn't really come out much, because let's be honest - I'd rather panic and be pleasantly surprised when the worst doesn't happen), I know that my kids are probably safer in school than running around town. Uvalde, TX, population 15K, has 10 schools in its public school district. One was targeted. The U.S. has almost 100K public schools, and there have been a little over 2,000 school shootings in the last 10 years. Statistically, this means that in any given year, my child has a 2% chance of being at a school when a shooting occurs. 

However, when I channel my mom side, I'm ANGRY. Angry that someone enters ANY school with a weapon and an intent, much less a school of babies (Robb Elementary is a 2nd-4th grade institution). 2,000 shootings?? That's far too many, even for the time span of a decade. Those parents saw their children for the last time that morning at drop-off, and I doubt that many of those babies had a phone at school that day. Here's what I'm getting at - much as I want to keep my kids' technology use under control, there are some selfish reasons why my kids get phones. 

First, a little bit of background: being a social mom, I understand the need to communicate with friends. During the pandemic, this was even more crucial. My kids had only ipods until the summer before 8th grade for several reasons:

• The middle school they attended was a block from our house, and I could sit on my front porch and watch them walk to school. 
• Phones are really not allowed in classrooms, even though those rules weren't fully enforced.
• The ipods allowed them to communicate with their friends from home while on wifi, and they never really went anywhere that I couldn't transport them and trust who they were with. 
• We homeschooled during the pandemic year, so again, the ipods worked just fine from home.
• A friend and I made a pact to "Wait till 8th", and we had a good plan to make sure we got there. Hilariously, we both guiltily confessed to each other that we were giving in the summer before...

I'm sure the pandemic did a lot to change how the average middle schooler interacts, and I know that lots of parents have reasons for not waiting until 8th grade. No judgements, this just worked for us. Our kids didn't even really ask for them until right before they received them. 

After the phone "reveal", they were told a couple of things:

"You lose it, you buy it". We bought it once, we're not buying it again until college. 

"We reserve the right to limit your usage if you can't exhibit self control." The usual parent thing to say.

And finally (the point of today's entry), "This phone isn't actually for you. It's for me, so I know where you are." 

I now see that social 8th graders want some independence. This is hard for me, but I also recognize that I can't keep them in my protective bubble forever. They will, someday, leave my house, and I will no longer be their protection. In light of yesterday's events, it seems that "someday" may occur sooner than later. 

So, I now freely give my teens phones, but they're for me. So they can text me at lunchtime to see if they can hang out with a friend after school. To let me know when they're on their way home. So I can track them while they're independently wandering around town. And to contact me if they're ever in a situation that makes them uncomfortable or scared. No parent ever wants that call, but I sure as hell want to give them the ability to make it if the situation arises. God Bless those Uvalde children and their families. My heart breaks for them. #AlwaysAware